All of Ontario is holding its breath today, and not for fear of SARS, either. It's Election Day! The Liberals are poised to wrest power from the reigning Tories in a victory of truly epic proportions, rivalling even the battle scene towards the end of The Two Towers when the Orcs are besieging Helm's Deep; Dalton 'Gandalf' McGuinty is even now riding up on his white horse with a legion of potential MPPs to smite the misshapen and darksome Tories as they have seldom been smitten before. What is the secret to the Liberal campaign's early and unquenchable success?
Tipped off by a mole in the Tory camp that Ernie Eves was about to call an election, the Liberals bought their TV ad spots a full two hours before the Tories, securing the coveted Seinfeld re-runs. Which, apparently, are now delivering power into their hands. Such is Jerry Seinfeld's power. Perhaps he will choose the next Pope. I would not be at all surprised.
Another key weapon in the Liberal arsenal has been the mighty T-shirt. A paltry four hours after a rather overenthusiastic Tory strategist accused Dalton McGuinty of being an 'evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet', the Liberals had an armory of T-shirts printed up, bearing kitten-eating slogans. Everyone wanted one. (I want one.) Thunderous legions were kitted out in this imposing garb. The Toronto Star reports they bore the battle cry 'Call me a reptilian kitten-eater, I want better health care.' The Globe and Mail, on the other hand, insists it was 'I'm an evil, reptilian kitten-eater because I support change.' The debate rages on.
I discovered, while Googling for more on these kitten-eating T-shirts, that Mr McGuinty had a small blog. Which he seems to have written himself. He likes Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Mr McGuinty, if I were an Ontarian, you would have my vote. But why are they not selling T-shirts from the Ontario Liberal site?
Also, Google spat out this headline from the National Post: 'Liberal MPPs would be "trained seals," Hampton says'. As if this would shock anyone in this day and age. Non-hominid legislators are certainly not news; Robert Anton Wilson promised long ago, if elected governor of California, to 'Fire 33% of the legislature [names selected at random] and replace them with full-grown adult ostritches, whose mysterious and awesome dignity will elevate the suidean barbarity long established there.' I was expecting the NDP to be more with the times.
Pity California will get Schwarzeneggar instead. No guns and dope for Californicators now.
They should try to be more like Canada.
Posted by aloysius at October 02, 2003 02:06 PM | TrackBack |