The Governator

I've got some bad news, I'm afraid...It looks like serial sexual assaulter Arnold Schwarzenegger has become governor of California.

It made the Times of India.

On the bright side, Minnesota is no longer the stupidest state in the Union.

On the dark side, Arnold Schwarzenegger has become governor of California. Living on the West Coast, this makes me uneasy. I would not be altogether surprised if Governor Steroids decided the best way to balance the California budget was to loot and pillage neighbouring states like the Vikings of old; I'm not sure Oregon would be enough to satiate his ravenous hordes. He certainly doesn't seem to have any more practical proposals on the table. We have a bunch of ballistic missile submarines sitting in the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard; maybe that'll deter him.

This really shakes one's faith in humanity. (As if King George wasn't enough.) Just how stupid are people, anyhow? The man has nothing but fame and an Austrian accent, and now he's won an election. I mean, think, people. Think. You wouldn't hire a one-legged narcoleptic midget to drive your car. You wouldn't hire a waste-paper basket to babysit your hyperactive pyromaniac children. You wouldn't make a smirking chimp your president.

Oh, wait.

Well, it's the principle of the thing. It's just dumb. Just really, profoundly dumb. Shockingly dumb. Amazingly, colon-spasmingly dumb. If you're going to vote Arnold, why not just admit flat-out the whole thing's a joke and go for Gary Coleman instead? Or just write in David Lynch.

Now there's a thought. Imagine a parallel universe in which David Lynch just became Governor of California. Dressed as a giant chess piece he would announce a garmonbozia tax in his budget, backwards, while two lesbians made out on a heap of cocaine. Legislators would find their minds swapped at random, until they were replaced with tiny clowns made out of wood, one by one. Traffic lights all across the state would suddenly start changing in a much more meaningful fashion. And then everyone would die.

But at least it would not be what it seemed.

I do not think the Governator has any such hidden depths. What you see is, alas, what you get.

Oh well. While it might be a great setback for the human species, at least I, personally, can sit back, point, and laugh at the freak circus to my south.

But honestly! He has no discernable talents whatsoever. I'd made a better governor than Schwarzenegger! I've known cats that'd make better governors. Has America become so obsessed with celebrity that any no-talent ass-clown with a famous face can win its support? Where will this end? Britney Spears for Congress? President J. Lo? Pope Shatner I?

Let's just make Leonard Nimoy our God-Emperor and be done with it.

Posted by aloysius at October 07, 2003 10:03 PM | TrackBack |