Bush Versus

In less than a year, we foolish Americans will elect a president. It should not surprise anyone to hear that I am not planning to vote for Bush. I'm pretty keen on Howard Dean, Ninja Warrior, but the bottom line is that I'll vote for anyone who gets the Democratic nomination, even if, as looks increasingly less likely with each passing day, that person is not in fact Howard Dean. I'd even vote for Holy Joe Lieberman if he were the nominee fielded against Bush, and I find Lieberman to be a sanctimonious ass. This leads me to wonder: what sort of person or entity would have to seize the Democratic nomination to make me even consider voting for Bush? This question is obviously not very interesting if I think about living people or historical figures; obviously, I'd vote for Bush over Osama bin Laden, or Hitler. There are trivial and uninteresting cases. So let's not think about that. Instead, let us wonder how George Bush would stack up against imaginary villains from science fiction and fantasy.

1. George Bush vs. Darth Vader

• Both favour pre-emptive warfare and shock and awe tactics.
  
• Both claim to be very spiritual.
  
• Both were pilots.
  
• Darth Vader, however, has actually flown in combat...

I'd have to go with Vader because he's not a hypocritical chickenhawk.

2. George Bush vs. the Master

• Both seek power through any underhanded means necessary.
  
• Both lie a lot.
  
• Both seek to control people's minds, whether by a whipped and castrated mass media, or by Gallifreyan hypnosis.
  
• The Master, however, is camp as Christmas, and would undoubtedly be a lot more progressive on gay rights.

Advantage: the Master.

3. George Bush vs. Saruman the White

• Both seek massive increases in military spending, to their dominions' detriment.
  
• Both involve themselves with ancient beings of ultimate evil (Sauron, or Karl Rove).
  
• Both hate trees.
  
• Saruman, however, is seemingly pro-technology, and would loosen absurd restrictions on stem-cell research and provide more funding for universities and basic research.

No contest. I'd vote Saruman.

4. George Bush vs. Mayor Richard Wilkins III

• Both men have master plans that will in the long run end in catastrophe for their constituents.
  
• Both men golf.
  
• Both men are big on old-fashioned values.
  
• The Mayor, however, has a heart, soul, and compassion.

Even if he did transform into a giant snake and eat me, the Mayor would still have my vote.

5. George Bush vs. the Borg (or Cybermen)

• Both want to reduce the population to a state of docile servitude devoid of individuality, through jingoistic patriotism, FOX News, brain implants, and shiny laser eyes.
  
• Both have health-care plans that don't really address the needs of children and the elderly.
  
• But at least the Borg are pretty honest about it.

Honesty really is the best policy. Vote Borg.

6. George Bush vs. L. Ron Hubbard

• ...

Okay. This time, I'd vote for Bush. Happy now?

(What do you mean, L. Ron Hubbard was real?)

Posted by aloysius at January 05, 2004 10:17 PM | TrackBack |