Now a lot of people got themselves all worked up into a lather a few months ago over evil secular society's attempts to take the Christ out of Christmas. Who can forget the shocking night in early December when a snarling pack of lesbinazis tore the Baby Jesus bodily into pieces at the behest of the ACLU and the International Chinese Communist Conspiracy? Or those dreadful days when saying 'Merry Christmas' at the Mall could get you karate-chopped right in the throat by godless necrophiliacs brainwashed by objectively pro-Saddam liberal university professors? Well, I'm sorry to say that the idiotarians are at it again, launching a cowardly and shameful attack on that most sacred of holidays, Valentine's Day. It's time to remember the reason for the season.
And that reason is a giant holy wooden dildo.
There are a lot of misconceptions about Valentine's Day out there. Many would have you believe that it relates to a poorly-documented Christian, Saint Valentine, who was shot through the heart with an arrow by a giant fat flying baby. This is simply ridiculous. Giant fat flying babies, as any fool knows, are indiginous only to Australia; the first specimens didn't reach Europe until the 19th Century. This story was invented by the greeting card industry in Victorian times. England was so disgusted by the thought of its frumpy monarch engaging in intercourse that genitals were declared illegal, and all mating had to be carried out by post. The twee imagery of cherubs inflicting sucking chest wounds on lovers was hurriedly introduced to avoid a total collapse in the Valentine's Day card market when all previous cards were thus banned, filled as they were with the ancient and hallowed imagery handed down from time immemorial: giant holy wooden dildos.
The history of Valentine's Day can be traced all the way back to Pharaohnic Egypt. The name Valentine is in fact a Latinised form of the Egyptian name hieroglyphically rendered as Cat Eye Man-peeing-in-cup, a common term for the great god Osiris in his aspect as a man with a giant wooden dildo for a head. The holiday began as a ritual celebration of the love of Osiris and his wife Isis, one of the greatest myths of any civilisation.
Osiris was king of Egypt, married to his lovely sister Isis. His brother-god Set, the notorious homosexual, grew jealous of Osiris's power and grooming, and set in motion an elaborate scheme to get himself a piece of ass. He fashioned a beautiful sarcophagus from 36 rare and fragrant woods, and offered to give it to whomever it fit best. (This would later inspire the story of Cinderella.) As this didn't seem remotely suspicious to anyone, crowds came from all over Egypt to try it out. At last Osiris himself lay down in the sarcophagus. It fit him perfectly...so warm and tight...And suddenly Set slammed the lid and sealed Osiris inside, and then, cackling madly, cast him adrift in the Nile. (This is why it is traditional, on Valentine's Day, to woo a new love by locking them in a wooden chest until they pass out and become pliable and easy.) But Isis would not abandon her beloved husband: she tracked the sarcophagus through 24 countries until she found it lodged within the trunk of an acacia tree. (This would later inspire the film Titanic.) But before she could release Osiris from this woody prison, Set emerged from hiding. Having been thwarted in his attempts to drill a glory hole into the sarcophagus, he declared that, if he couldn't have Osiris, nobody could. (This is why most Valentine's Day cards contain anthrax.) He chopped the sarcophagus, and Osiris within, into 13 pieces and cast them to the ends of the Earth. Isis travelled far and wide, recovering all the pieces except one, which was eaten by a fish. (This is why chocolate-covered trout are often given on Valentine's Day.) Isis then embalmed her husband's remains using 42 herbs and spices, and through her mystic arts restored him to life wrapped tightly in constricting, immobilising bandages as the very first mummy. (This is how bondage was invented.) The missing piece she replaced with a giant holy wooden dildo. Fortunately the missing piece was his head, so he was still able to father a child, hawk-headed Horus, god of light, who went on to avenge his father and have a successful career as a goalie in the NHL.
This is the true meaning of Valentine's Day. And this is why we must prod our loved ones with giant wooden dildoes until we all get splinters and pass out on the lawn. For Osiris.
Posted by aloysius at February 14, 2006 10:34 PM |