CLIFF and DORA are kissing and petting on a sofa.

[Lights up. CLIFF and DORA giggle and moan as they romp.]

DORA: Oh...Oh...Oooooooh...

CLIFF: Mmmmmmm...

DORA: Ummmm...

CLIFF: Oh, baby, you're so sexy...

DORA: [giggles playfully] What's the sexiest thing about me?

CLIFF: Mmmm...It's so hard to pick only one. [fondling her legs] You've got such long, supple legs. [stroking her thighs] Such silky thighs! Such...[whispers something inaudible into her ear]

[DORA shrieks and giggles; their passion grows more lustful.]

DORA: Go on...

CLIFF: Your come-hither eyes...

DORA: My eyes are come-hither?

CLIFF: Oh yeah. Where do they want me to come now?

DORA: All over my face.

[They continue to kiss and grope.]

CLIFF: Such moist, pouting lips...Such salty skin...Yeah, your skin. If I had to pick just one thing about you, that would be it. What a great conductor you'd make!

DORA: [ardent, yet confused] A conductor?

CLIFF: [unfazed, eager] An electrical conductor.

DORA: What do you mean, I'd make a great conductor?

CLIFF: [lustily] I'll bet a current could flow through you with barely any resistance at all.

DORA: Is that good?

CLIFF: [throatily, eyes heavy with desire] Oooooohhhhh yeahhhhhhhh...It's so good. Let me show you...

DORA: [pushes him away half-heartedly] Stop it, Cliff, I'm not into that.

CLIFF: Ever try it?

DORA: Well, no...

CLIFF: Then how do you know?

DORA: I don't know...

[CLIFF redoubles his efforts to pleasure DORA; who gasps and moans.]

DORA: I don't know...Wouldn't it hurt? I've heard other girls talk about it...

CLIFF: [coaxing] I'll be gentle, don't worry. I'll just send a fixed current through you, and since the power dissipated, P, equals I, the current, squared times R, the resistance, and you've got such a tight little resistance, you'll absorb hardly any power at all. [He licks her throat.]

DORA: [giggling, giving way] That's so kinky...

CLIFF: I'll just give you a little current at first, and if you don't like it, we can stop.

DORA: Well...[giggles] Okay...

[They kiss and grind.]

CLIFF: Oh, baby, you'll be such a great conductor...

[CLIFF pulls out a pair of huge alligator clips connected to cables from behind the sofa, and begins to apply them to DORA's breasts as the lights fade out on them. Suddenly a single spotlight comes up on the NARRATOR, standing somewhere to the side.]

NARRATOR: [preferably with a British accent] Unfortunately, she wasn't.

[The lights begin flashing wildly. CLIFF and DORA scream in pain and fear. An electrical crackle and sizzle fills the air. DORA's cries of agony last through CLIFF's lines.]

CLIFF: Oh my god! Oh god. Oh Christ. Oh god, your hair's on fire! Oh god. The clips are melting, and it won't shut off. I'm so sorry. Oh god. Oh god, the smell...

[The screaming and flashing lights cut out in an instant, leaving only the spotlight on the NARRATOR.]

NARRATOR: Remember, boys and girls: always use an ohmmeter.

[Lights out.]

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©2001 Luke Gutzwiller. I really mean it. Violation may result in the unwanted collapse of your state vector. Have you ever touched your genitals to a nine-volt battery?